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Type:
Hoax (a good humored hoax, but one none the less) Hoax
Source: Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, April 1, 1997
Fear up north
El Cowpacabra weaves a fearsome path of destruction, sparing neither milking machines nor poodles
Jackie Loohauis
of the Journal Sentinel staff
April 1, 1997
While authorities in South America and Mexico struggle to cope with
attacks by the goat-killing demon, El Chupacabra, in Wisconsin a
bizarre new menace has struck fear into the hearts of civilians and the
military alike.
It is the monster now known as -- "El Cowpacabra."
Part demon, part purebred Guernsey, El Cowpacabra has appeared in areas
where there has been a high incidence of recent UFO sightings. El
Cowpacabra has been blamed for the destruction of thousands of
mechanical milking machines across the state.
In these regions, a number of poodles have also been reported dead or missing.
And now comes word of even worse terror, reports that witnesses have
seen the Cowpacabra force-feeding artificial growth hormones to dairy
corporation officials until they blow up like balloons and explode.
Said one trembling veterinarian: "I've heard of 'mad cows.' But I've never seen one this p.o.'d."
Other experts interviewed said they feared Cowpacabra depredations
would have an impact on margarine supplies throughout the state.
Eyewitness descriptions of the Cowpacabra vary. One Cudahy Dairy Queen
employee who came upon the beast rampaging though a storeroom filled
with canisters of Tastee Freez, said: "I've never seen anything like
it. It was like 7 feet tall and weighed 300 pounds. It had fangs like a
rattler, wings like a bat, the head of a polled heifer and a beer
belly. And it had a horrible smell. Like, like," -- here she broke down
-- "like Bradford Beach in August."
A cranberry bog worker, who observed "The Bovine Beast" stalking deer
hunters near East Krock, claimed it also had a milk mustache.
Other Cowpacabra sightings have been linked to the discovery across the
state of mysterious "crop circles," or, as paranormal experts have come
to call them in this case: "crop pies."
Regional folklore holds that Cowpacabra leavings are particularly
acidic, and some road repaving companies are blaming the number of
highway potholes not on their use of cheap asphalt, but on the demon's
cud-spitting habits.
And reports that Cowpacabra methane-like "emissions" have a chemical
makeup akin to that of Easy Off Oven Cleaner have caused dozens of
worried Illinois tourists to cancel vacation plans at destinations
north of Nutterville.
No authenticated photo of the "Devil Cow" exists. However, a Beaver Dam
resident videoing his grandson's sack race at Beaver Fest '96 allegedly
caught the Cowpacabra on tape, and a photo from that tape has been
distributed on the World Wide Web.
Government officials were quick to deny there was any truth to the
reports, chalking them up to "mass hysteria." One Air Force colonel
identified the photo as that of a "weather balloon," but could not
explain what such a balloon was doing hovering at the same level as the
fest's bratwurst stand.
And so-called "cow-spiracy theorists" charged that the Air Force
actually had a carcass of the beast in cold storage at a secret
military installation near Rib Lake known only as "Rest Area 51."
Speculation on the possible origins of El Cowpacabra has grown.
"Everyone knows it's a mutant caused by the Navy's Extremely Low
Frequency radio transmitter," said Cowpacabra expert Chris Carter.
Others blame runoffs from mining operations or the Deep Tunnel Project.
Some believers have claimed supernatural powers for the creature.
Indeed, one hidden witness observed members of the dairy supremacist
cult "Cowpacabra Nation" on a hilltop attempting to summon the beast
with a mantra that he said "sounded like 'ooom, only backward."
With so little actually known about the exact nature of El Cowpacabra,
local police have despaired of capturing it. The only thing experts
have been able to authenticate about the creature is its distinctive
yell. It is a cry nearly outside the range of human ears, one that
strikes fear into the heart of anyone who hears it. It is a cry, in
fact, that sounds for all the world exactly like:
"April Fool."
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